Five Christmas Lessons
OK, so Christmas is basically almost over (thank god.) Here are a few things I learned the hard way this year.
- Electric toothbrushes and black dresses aren't good friends. Turn on the toothbrush once it is safely inside your mouth, or do not turn it on at all. Wear a bib. Don't get dressed until after you've brushed your teeth. Anticipate these things. Don't be such a spazz.
- Spoon flour into the measuring cup, rather than pouring it directly from the bag. Unless of course the recipe calls for, "a bunch of extra flour...whatever...just dump it in." (No recipe calls for that, FYI.)
- There is some sort of law of physics that causes all Christmas ornaments to turn the opposite way of how they should when you hang them on the tree. This law is immutable...until you've tried fifteen different positions. Then it might work.
- If you create a 'Mele Kalikimaka' Pandora station, it will just play, 'Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer' over and over and over again. Seriously, like, Bing Crosby's version followed by Gene Autry, then Burl Ives, Mariah Carey, Wilford Brimley, Macauley Culkin, She & Him, and then that Japanese holographic pop singer. All I wanted to hear was, 'Mele Kalikimaka.'
- It's silly, really, to spend sixty whole days stressing out about Christmas, which pretty much lasts, like, ten minutes and is always fun and nothing to worry about. It might be a good idea to try not to do that next year. But I will, anyway.